Dwight: I say this with all due respect because I know what you’re capable of, but I’m not trying to build anything here; I am building something here. And I really don’t have anything to offer you, Bill, except a plate of spare ribs for the ride home — our speciality

Bill: You got a sense of humor.

Dwight: Sometimes.

Bill: I don’t.

Dwight: Yeah, well, I’m sure you got other qualities.

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Dwight: Form follows function. Have you ever heard that expression? I don’t know what form this thing is following, but it’s not functioning for me, that’s for sure. I don’t see myself in this chair just drinkin’ a beer.

Tina: Well, I’ve never seen you drink a beer in my life.

Dwight: That’s beside the point. And you never know.

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Dwight: Hey! Is everyone fuckin’ high here?

Bodhi: What did you expect? You chose to have a mock trial in a weed shop.

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Ben: Why are you a fucking priest, David?

David: Wow, that’s a way to put it.

Ben: I mean, you and her. You’re meant to be together. Why God? Why this?

David: Ben, you don’t understand.

Ben: No? Well, tell me. Inform me. Two thousand years ago, maybe Jesus lived. Maybe he convinced people he was God. What’s that have to do with us now?

David: It’s the reason I know what’s right and wrong.

Ben: You know what’s wrong. You love her. I’ve heard you two. Hm? If I had two lives, one would be for God and one for her. What is wrong with loving her?

David: You don’t think I think about this every single day? I am committed, I am sworn, here. I am pledged to God. If that sounds like the middle ages to you, well, then fuck it. I am the middle ages because I am sick of all the broken promises in this world and all the other shit. Evil. Five minutes on this computer, and I want to put my fucking head in an oven or commit to something above it all, even if I [sighs] even if I need Kristen.

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David: I wish I had two lives. One for God, and one for you.

Kristen: I wish I had two lives. Both of them for you. [Ben murmers, “What about me?”] Three lives.

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David: Mother Nature is pissed.

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Dr. Boggs: We both saw the same thing, right?

Sheryl: A man from accounting ripping off his skin to reveal that he’s a demon who chased us? Uh, yeah. [They both laugh]

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Sheryl: I’m the f*ckin’ storm, Oscar.

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Kristen: You don’t just go over and break into a neighbor’s house! I can’t believe I need to make that a rule!

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Lexis: Little boy. Where are you?

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